How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[Ed..]

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Mr Morrison. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not',explained Mr Morrison, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Morrison searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Annastacia Palaszczuk and Gladys Berejiklian and Daniel Andrews was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Morrison, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either!'

[layback40]

"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done." - Unknown



When Joe's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, Life isn't worth living.

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, do you do for a living?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.



A good listener is usually thinking about something else. ---Kin Hubbard

"Veni, vidi, Visa. We came, we saw, we went shopping." - Patricia



This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to party with some friends. So, they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tyre on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So, they were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) "Which tyre?"



Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

[LuluBelle]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to America next month," says John. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, America!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... New York, L.A, Vegas ..."

"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the Yanks with all their political rubbish these days!"

"So why keep going to America?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[layback40]

Really bad News headlines.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash.

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.

Miners Refuse to Work after Death.

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.

War Dims Hope for Peace.

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A while.

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.

And the winner is ...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.



Eat whatever you like and don't allow motivational speakers deceive you.

The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54
The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57
The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41
The best footballer in the world Maradona, died at the age of 60.
BUT

The KFC inventor died at 94.
Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88
Imagine, cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102
The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake
Hennessey inventor died at 98.
How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping up and down, but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.

[layback40]

Just getting in early for Christmas 2022 If they are still mandated!Twas the night before Christmas, but COVID was here,

So, we all had to stay extra cautious this year.

Our masks were all hung by the chimney with care

In case Santa forgot his and needed a spare.

With COVID we couldn't leave cookies or cake

So, we left Santa hand sanitizer to take.

The children were sleeping, the brave little tots

The ones over five had just had their first shots,

And mom in her kerchief and me in my cap

Had just settled in for a long winter's nap.

But we tossed and we turned all night in our beds

As visions of variants danced in our heads.

Gamma and Delta and now Omicron

These COVID mutations that go on and on

I thought to myself, "If this doesn't get better,

I'll soon be familiar with every Greek letter".

Then just as I started to drift off and doze

A clatter of noise from the front lawn arose.

I leapt from my bed and ran straight down the stair

I opened the door, and an old gent stood there.

His N 95 made him look pretty weird

But I knew who he was by his red suit and beard.

I kept six feet away but blurted out quick

"What are you doing here, jolly Saint Nick?"

Then I said, "Where's your presents, your reindeer and sleigh?

Don't you know that tomorrow will be Christmas Day?"

And Santa stood there looking sad in the snow

As he started to tell me a long tale of woe.

He said he'd been stuck at the North Pole alone

All his white-collar elves had been working from home,

And most of the others said "Santa, don't hire us!

We have jobkeeper now, thanks to the virus".

Those left in the toyshop had little to do.

With supply chain disruptions, they could make nothing new.

And as for the reindeer, they'd all gone away.

None of them left to pull on his sleigh.

He said Dasher and Dancer were in quarantine,

Prancer and Vixen refused the vaccine,

Comet and Cupid were in ICU,

So were Donner and Blitzen, they may not pull through.

And Rudolph's career can't be resurrected.

With his shiny red nose, they all think he's infected.

Even with his old sleigh, Santa couldn't go far.

Every border to cross needs a new PCR.

Santa sighed as he told me how nice it would be

If children could once again sit on his knee.

He couldn't care less if they're naughty or nice

But they'd have to show proof that they'd had their shot twice.

But then the old twinkle returned to his eyes.

And he said that he'd brought me a Christmas surprise.

When I unwrapped the box and opened it wide,

Starlight and rainbows streamed out from inside.

Some letters whirled round and flew up to the sky

And they spelled out a word that was 40 feet high.

There first was an H, then an O, then a P,

Then I saw it spelled HOPE when it added the E.

"Christmas magic" said Santa as he smiled through his beard.

Then suddenly all of the reindeer appeared.

He jumped into his sleigh, and he waved me goodbye,

Then he soared o'er the rooftops and into the sky.

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight

"Get your vaccines my friends, Merry Christmas, goodnight".

Then I went back to bed and a sweet Christmas dream

Of a world when we'd finished with COVID 19.

Tom MacDonald, Canada (with a slight translation from Jo).



I caught up with a bloke I used to know at our school reunion recently. I discovered he was worth around $4 million, and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich.

Basically, when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications, but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell.

He knew he was never going to make it in an office job, so it was nose to the grindstone time. He left school at 15 and bought an old XJ and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit. He then used the money to buy another and so on. He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.

He eventually moved onto newer models and then onto top of the range Jeeps in the last few years. Even during the really bad times he plugged away. He worked long hours, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.

Then his uncle died and left him $4 million.

[Ed..]

[layback40]

Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but gets you nowhere.

A young woman and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The woman, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches her attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The woman doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-worker, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes up the young woman and hands her $500. She says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes her and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, she reaches into her purse and hands him $5.00.



A young man from Biddleonia called Seamus finds himself in dire trouble. His Farm has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the Church and begins to pray.

"God, please help me, I've lost my Farm and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Seamus goes back to the Church...

"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my Farm, my house and I'm going to lose my tractor as well". Lotto night comes and Seamus still has no luck!! Back to the Church he goes.

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my Farm, my house, my tractor and my wife and 17 children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Seamus is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "SEAMUS, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE, BUY YOURSELF A TICKET".



RURAL AUSTRALIAN COMPUTER TERMS

Log on - Make the barbie hotter.

Log off - Don't add any more wood.

Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie.

Download - Get the firewood off the ute.

Floppy disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once.

Window - What you shut when it's cold.

Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season.

Byte - What mozzies do.

Bit - What mozzies did.

Mega byte - What Townsville mozzies do.

Chip - A bar snack.

Micro chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips.

Modem - What you did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife.

Laptop - Where the cat sleeps.

Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

Hardware - Real stainless-steel knives and forks.

Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed.

Mainframe - What holds the shed up.

Web - What spiders make.

Web site - The shed or under the verandah.

Cursor - The old bloke that swears a lot.

Search engine - What you do when the ute won't go.

Upgrade - A steep hill.

Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch.

Mail server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch.

Sound card - The bower that wins the hand of 500.

User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

Network - When you have to repair your fishing net.

Internet - Complicated fish net repair method.

Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net.

Online - When you get the laundry hung out.

Offline - When the pegs don't hold the washing up.