How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Scottish Cop...............

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense!

Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Scottish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Scottish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Scottish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Scottish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After several minutes he says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "



Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.

The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and said, "then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."



A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely, I rate higher than a cabbie!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

From Patricia

How to clean the house

Open a new file in your PC.
Name it "Housework."
Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
Feel better?
Works for me!

[LuluBelle]

A Jeep motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a V8 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his work shop. The doctor was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey doc, do you want to take a look at this?"
The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and replaced anything damaged and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing basically the same work ?"
The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

[layback40]

Dog to Farmer: Here are all 30 sheep

Farmer: But I only count 26

Dog: I rounded them up



One day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight's dinner. I told him I didn't know how to make soup. He handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully.

A couple hours later I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand. Instead, he said, "This tastes good... are you sure you followed the recipe?"



A man on his Harley was riding along a Victorian beach road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"



A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewellery store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"



Dewey was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."

Dewey ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"

"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"

"I don't know," Dewey replied, "I couldn't understand a word they were saying."



Needing to look up a phone number while at a friend's house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll.

"A phone book?" asked her friend.

"You know," said my daughter. "A book with numbers in it."

"Oh," said her friend as it dawned on her. "You mean a math book."



Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a sharp, three-piece tunic. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so, they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first woman.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the King's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."



Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"? A: Because it was always running out of the pen.

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humour? A: Laughing stock.

Q: What do you call a story about a broken pencil? A: Pointless.

Q: Why does it get hot after a baseball game? A. Because all the fans have left!

Q: Why did the boy eat his homework? A Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Q: Why don't fish need to do homework? A: Because they're always swimming in schools.

[layback40]

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have, for something they don't need.

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this… No nation is allowed to enter a war until they have paid for the last one.

I don't do jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts.

It's easy being a humourist when you've got the whole government working for you.

Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.

Live in such a way that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument.



Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”



A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."

So, the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could, one after another.

The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

The guy says, "A dollar."



"Honesty must be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." -George Carlin



"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde



I came home one night and my wife was crying.

I said, "What’s wrong?"

She said, "I'm home sick."

I said, "This is your home."

And she said, "Yes, and I'm sick of it."

---Tommy Cooper



"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. George Carlin



I was waiting on some customers at the shoe store where I work when I was interrupted by a very determined woman.

Pointing to a sneaker made by Reebok, she asked, "Do you have this in a Nike?"

[layback40]

After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)



P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget



Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder. The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.

[layback40]

A primary school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, they are always talking about Verge ‘n' Mary.''



Three-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."



A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."



After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,

"The minister said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you."



Three-year old Caitlin prayed: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail.



One four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."



A Sunday school teacher asked her children "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."



Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."



A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you can be Jesus!"



A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back?"



A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mummy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"



Jack went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for beetles?" Jack asked the clerk. "No," the clerk replied. "It'll kill 'em."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the table. A very attractive blonde woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes! As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, "I WON, I WON!" She hugs each of the dealers and then picks up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house. After the meal, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two men were talking and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant for our anniversary and it was really great. I would recommend it highly. The other man asked, “What was the name of the restaurant?” The first man tried to recall but could not. Finally, he said, “What’s the name of that flower you give someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” his friend asked. “Yes. That’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

[layback40]

Contemplations of a Senior.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of, it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Turns out that being a "Senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate?"

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have some new ideas.

Apparently, responding to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time," isn't an acceptable response.

I felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery, especially when the GPS blurted out "You have reached your final destination."

It’s hard to believe that I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I'm still alive.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A set of jumper leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.'



'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.

‘Is it common?'

'Well, It's Not Unusual.'



Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' ‘I don't believe you,' says Dolly. ‘It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.



An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to Disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'



Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, He suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



A man drank a pot of varnish. He died of course, but boy, what a finish!