How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age!

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only 4 words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are 2 words in the English language that have all 5 vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks; otherwise, it would digest itself.



The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, so he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello." "Is your dad home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him? "The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,

"Is your Mum there?" "Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again, the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering at what a Policeman would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the Policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mum and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed

In a whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,

"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

[layback40]

Later in life



I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... so she hugged me.

My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else....

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I thought growing old would take longer.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.

The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed....I need bail money.

I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.

Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys and phone."

A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume.

Oops.... did I roll my eyes out loud?

Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're having a staff meeting.

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Project Manager...because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Measure once, cuss twice..

I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.

The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.

Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.



Golfer on a business trip to South Africa stops at local club and ask if he could play. The Pro asked him his handicap so he could match him up with someone at similar skill level. He says 14 and proceeds to 1st tee.

He immediately gets nervous when he sees his Caddie with his bag on one shoulder and a rifle in the other. He hooks his 1st tee shot near the woods. As he addresses the ball, he hears a rifle shot, sees a python fall from a tree and his Caddie shouldering his rifle. 2nd hole he pushes shot into high grass. As he hits, another gunshot rings out and a lion falls dead about 5 feet away. Next hole he barely clears a water hazard and right as he is ready to hit, a crocodile grabs him by the leg trying to pull him in. He gets away with a bloodied leg and sees Caddie just standing there. He says "you shot the snake, you shot the lion, why did your let the crock rip my leg to shreds? Caddie says " Sir, this is the 17th handicap hole, you are a 14. You don't get a shot this hole".

[layback40]

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam," he replied.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night."

"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam, sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully. "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist. "OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary, who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!

30 REASONS ITS BEAUT TO BE A BLOKE

You have no trouble whatsoever putting stuff off until tomorrow.
You feel perfectly comfortable wearing clothes you wore yesterday and left on the floor all night.
Telephone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat, no worries.
A 5-day holiday requires only 1 suitcase.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
Hot wax never comes anywhere near your private parts.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
Cricket seems like a good idea.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
Your undies are $6.99 for a three pack.
If you own a toaster you're never more than 2 minutes away from a tasty meal.
If another bloke shows up to a party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong mates.
As long as your mum’s still alive, you can get your washing done at her place.
Wedding dress $2000; suit rental $100.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
The wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't care if no-one notices your new hair cut.
Wrinkles add character.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
You don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocket knife.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th, in minutes.
Will You Live to see 95? Here's something to think about. I recently went to my G.P. for a check up. After exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just reached 65). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 95?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke or drink beer, wine or spirits?

'No, and I don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' I added.

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, bicycling, playing tennis?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have date loose women?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said ...'Why do you want to live to be 95?'

[layback40]

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery?
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.


The best lawyer story. A True Story (aren’t they all?).

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".

Now for the best part…

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

[layback40]

Basic rules for driving in xx (insert your city of choice)



Turn signals will give away your next move. A real xx driver never uses them.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in xx.
Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre.
Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD owners.
Learn to swerve abruptly. xx is the home of High-Speed Slalom driving thanks to Vic Roads, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
It is traditional in xx to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
Remember that the goal of every xx driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
Real xx women drivers can drink coffee and apply eye makeup at 75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because they have brakes.
Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one-way street.
It's OK when driving in xx to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while screaming out "*$##*". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo charged 5 litre V8 with a crowbar in your lap.
When driving in xx there is the mandatory law stating you MUST straddle both lanes when stopped at the lights, thus ensuring no other driver can get away first.


The Lawyer
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing"? asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!"

"Oh, No," screamed the lawyer!

"My Rolex!"

[layback40]

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked.

"I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."



It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the psychiatric ward, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug."

"So, do you want a room with or without a view?"

[layback40]

God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel,found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice"

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

"That's Queensland, the most glorious place on earth.

There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river (BS), and days filled with sunshine.

The people from Queensland are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and will be extremely sociable,

hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, --- "Then I created Canberra
Wait till you see the idiots I've put there."...............