How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[Dustbowl]

Originally Posted by RED_TJ

Its been scientifically proven that woman can be satisfied with only 3.5 inches and it does not matter if it's Visa or Mastercard.

Excellent however sadly true

[RED_TJ]

you got that right Dustbowl

[RED_TJ]

(OOPS)
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,




'Hello?'


'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'







'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'








After a brief pause,







Daddy says,

'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'









'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now.'








Brief Pause.







'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'







'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'






A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.







'I did it, Daddy.'







'And what happened, honey?'






'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming.








Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'








'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'








'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'








Long Pause









Longer Pause









Even Longer Pause








Then Daddy says,








'Swimming pool? ...........








Is this 486-5731?'








No, I think you have the wrong number ...

[RED_TJ]

Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.
>
> While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across
> an old lamp.
>
> He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie .
>
> This genie, however was a little different He stated he could only
> deliver one wish, not the standard three.
>
> Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,
>
> "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
>
> The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
> the sea turned
>
> into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
>
> Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the
> two men considered their circumstances.
>
> Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.
>
> After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead!
>
> Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
>
>

[layback40]

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most

of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movement any more.

You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[layback40]

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds....

If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S

ANSWERS GIVEN BELOW:

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's

You are a Pervert

[layback40]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.



While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.



The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch Her in the act.



For £100, the cabby agrees.



Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.



The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!



The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.



The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'



HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your Chelsea season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'



Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.



He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?



The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'