How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Two Arab terrorists were in a locker room, taking a shower after their bomb-making class in Melbourne, when one noticed that the other had a huge cork stuck in his arse!

"If you don't mind my asking," said the second Arab, "that cork looks uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab, "It is permanently stuck in my bum."

"I do not understand." said the other.
The first Arab said, "I was walking along Russell Street and tripped over an oil lamp, there was a puff of smoke and a huge old man with a white beard and an Akubra hat and wearing nothing but an Aussie flag came boiling out. He said, "I am the Genie of OZ; I can grant you one wish.'

I said, "No shit?"

[layback40]

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new Elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

As he was an Elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Definitely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the Elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

[ZX1990]

All the animals in the Garden of Eden decided to have a game of Rugby, cause that's the game God plays.

The Elephant was Captain of one side and a Bumblebee Captained the other and they chose sides, the elephant chose big animals that would be hard to tackle and the bumblebee chose his side on agility, so he got all the little animals.

The Elephants team received the first ball from the kick off and the giraffe caught the ball, passed it to the gorilla who passed it to a hippo who passed it to the elephant who went in for the first try.

After forty minutes the score was a hundred and three nil in the Elephants Teams favour and they went back from the break pretty confident.

They kicked off and the entire Front row of the bumblebees team was wiped out by the football on it's first bounce and the elephant picked up the ball and went trumpeting down the sideline towards a certain try when all of a sudden he went trunk first into the grass after a perfect, round the ankles, copybook tackle.

He gets up pretty stunned and looks around to see who or what had tackled him and there stood a little centipede looking smug.

The elephant said " Did you just tackle me? " and the centipede said " I sure did !! ",

" Where were you in the first half ?? " said the elephant.

" PUTTING ON MY FARKIN' BOOTS !! " said the centipede

[Dustbowl]

[layback40]

Yorkshire Farmer

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a man drinking from his stream, so he shouts ,

“Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow shite an it could kill thee”


The man says: "Excuse me Sir, I am a muslim from Pakistan , can you be speaking clearer and slower please”


The farmer replies: " if....you.... Use.... Two .....Hands........ You....Wont.... Spill ....Any"

[layback40]

New Aussie Pickup Line
A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside
him so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What? You mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."

[nitrobrent]

I reckon that would work too,she'd be laughing that much