How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[RED_TJ]

This assehole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Tooheys or VB."? I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said: "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your haircut, you'd look all right." I said: "If I did that, I'd be talking to your good looking friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs....."Really" she said, "Go on then, try" After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said: "Come on, what day was I born." ?......I said, Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."...I said "Definitely,!
Most tables would have collapsed by now."

***********

[RED_TJ]

State Of Origin there always has to be a least a couple of jokes

It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Queenslander:
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery ( Tasmania ), Tooheys ( New South Wales ), XXXX ( Queensland ), CUB ( Victoria ) and Coopers ( South Australia ) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, “Make mine a VB."
To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[RED_TJ]

SCOTTISH WEDDING

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.



SEX
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

New Book
A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy"



Poor Lance Armstrong -

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my friggin bike.



Drive By

A guy broke into my appartment last week.

He didn't take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick Bastard!!





The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".



SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen



So True

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.

The Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you once you've been f@#ked.



Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For f.... sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"



Sex Research (could be handy)

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!



EASYJET

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "



The meaning of life in 13 words'!!
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f@*k happened!!

[Banshee]

Originally Posted by RED_TJ

State Of Origin there always has to be a least a couple of jokes

It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Queenslander:
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery ( Tasmania ), Tooheys ( New South Wales ), XXXX ( Queensland ), CUB ( Victoria ) and Coopers ( South Australia ) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, “Make mine a VB."
To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

Why is Queensland's beer called XXXX?


Queenslanders can't spell beer...

[layback40]

Originally Posted by Banshee

Why is Queensland's beer called XXXX?


Queenslanders can't spell beer...

Why dont they sell XXXX in England?

Ans; XXXX is a brand of condom in England !

Gives a whole new meaning to the sales campain when they were saying; "I can feel a XXXX coming on "!!!

[bruggz351]

Originally Posted by layback40

why dont they sell xxxx in england?

Ans; xxxx is a brand of condom in england !

Gives a whole new meaning to the sales campain when they were saying; "i can feel a xxxx coming on "!!!

:d:d:d

bwahahahahahhahha

[layback40]

A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them,
'We have a special requirement for new member couples.
You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband

was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex

for the required month.'
The young man replied sadly

The priest asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off

Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to

pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.
It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done

we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not

be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Bunnings either.'