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13-08-2013
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Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,884 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,638
Liked 6,591 Times in 4,361 Posts
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A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!"
They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
...
The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
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13-08-2013
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Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,884 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,638
Liked 6,591 Times in 4,361 Posts
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Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled Mike.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Mike
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again'
Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your F—n Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
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13-08-2013
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Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,884 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,638
Liked 6,591 Times in 4,361 Posts
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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
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13-08-2013
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Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,884 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,638
Liked 6,591 Times in 4,361 Posts
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We all remember the KFC "Julia Meal" - Small breasts and big thighs.
Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.
It's called the “Rudd Bucket”: it consists of nothing but left wings and an arsehole.
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
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13-08-2013
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Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,884 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,638
Liked 6,591 Times in 4,361 Posts
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You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
__________________
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
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13-08-2013
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DetroitDemon
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Casino
Posts: 4,801 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 5,510
Liked 1,325 Times in 717 Posts
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Abraxix
you people that come to Port Macquarie with no notice. could have landed you offroad on some of out tracks
hahahaha nice place though isn't it??
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LOL... It was a wirlwind weekend.
Port is a bloody beautiful place. It's on our list now. Definitely coming back.
cheers
__________________
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13-08-2013
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Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,884 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,638
Liked 6,591 Times in 4,361 Posts
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When I was in India recently, I saw a sign that said,
'English speaking taxi driver'. I thought to myself,
"What a brilliant idea. Why don't we have them in Australia?"
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