How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[rastus2571]

An 18 yr old girl was out with her first boyfriend and was lovingly giving his manhood a fantastic stroking with her hand. The boyfriend was writhing in ecstasy. After the deed was done, and the obligatory cigarette was being consumed the boyfriend turned to the girl and asked her that since he was her first boyfriend how did she manage to learn to use her hands in that manner?

The girl replied " I have had many years of practice and instruction, Daddy has no hands".

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Sent from my HTC Explorer A310e using Tapatalk 2

[layback40]

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:

"Hello sir,I'm a Jehovah's Witness ..."

I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"





He said,

"Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."

[WhiteMeat]

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little ********er really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"

[layback40]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
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Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
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In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been
confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
----------------------------------------

63 Pakistanis died in North Melbourne this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed..
The police are blaming AL IKEA .
_____________________________


Jonathan Ross has been accused
of allegedly shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Kmart.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
_______________________________________


Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"
_________________________

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo
with blood pouring from them..
"Bugger that" said Paddy
"That's the last time I go lion dancing"

[layback40]

this is well worth a look

http://themetapicture.com/things-are...-in-australia/

[layback40]

Q: After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get? A: Prints of darkness.

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't a chicken.

Q: Why did the Pope cross the road? A: He crosses everything.

Q: What's grey, has four legs and a trunk? A: A mouse on vacation.

Q: Who are some of the werewolves' cousins? A: The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

Q: Why are Venetian blinds the greatest invention in the history of mankind? A: If it wasn't for Venetian blinds, it would have been curtains for all of us.



How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Do not worry about old age; it does not last.



The Policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw the woman drive past him, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled along the vehicle, wound down his window and shouted, "Pull over!"

"No," she replied, "they're socks!"



The Washington Post has recently published its annual contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners this year are...

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

T*sticle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.

[layback40]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.



"Yes?" said the Instructor.


"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it. This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.