How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini Countash pulls up.

"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.

"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights trying to pass them!"

[layback40]

A Man Who Knows His Math


I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman a derogatory gesture.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her a derogatory gesture? .... I don't think so!!!!!!!

[layback40]

One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family" Australia day cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"

When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was discovered that the head of that family was a police officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"

[layback40]

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.

The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded yes, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke?"

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "And put it on my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of backflips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the redneck. The redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

[layback40]

& you though we had some silly road rules!!


The Greek sage Aristotle once penned, "Even when the laws have been written down, they ought not always remain unchanged." Not only is this wise advice, but also prophetic. Especially when you focus on some of the driving laws that loiter on the pages of state statutes.

Tennessee, for example, has a law that bans shooting game, other than whales, from moving vehicles. Apparently, this law was authored during an unusually high tide or after too many dizzying spins on a Tilt-a-Whirl at Dollyworld. Chances of any whale finding its way into Tennessee via the Cumberland River are about as likely as Tony Danza winning a lifetime achievement award at the Cannes Film Festival. Yet, it exists.

So as to assure that your next cross-country vacation does not get pricked by the thorns of legality, we at DMV.ORG have organized a list of arcane state laws that you should be aware of. For nothing can be more embarrassing than having to phone your attorney from Kentucky for help in escaping a fine for trying to transport an ice cream cone in your back pocket.


Alabama

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street as long as a lantern is attached to the front of your car.

Driving barefoot is illegal.

Alaska

It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your car.

Arkansas

It is illegal for a person to blare the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9 p.m.

California

Any woman dressed in a housecoat is prohibited from driving a car.

It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry your car with used underwear.

No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Florida

If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the owner or attendant must deposit money in the meter.

Georgia

State Assembly members are immune from being ticketed for speeding while the State Assembly is in session.

In Marietta, Georgia, it is illegal to spit from a moving car or bus, but is okay from a moving truck.

Illinois

In Evanston, Illinois, it is unlawful to change clothes while inside a car with the curtains drawn, except during a fire.

Kansas

In Derby, Kansas, it is considered a misdemeanor to screech your tires while driving.

Kentucky

If you stop for ice cream while driving, be aware that it is considered unlawful to transport an ice cream cone in your back pocket.

Massachusetts

You will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla in the backseat of your car.

Michigan

If you car breaks down in Detroit and you are waiting for assistance, be aware that sitting in the middle of the street to read a newspaper is illegal.

Minnesota

It is illegal to cross state lines, regardless if you are walking or driving, with a duck on your head. And, if you're crossing into Wisconsin, the law also applies to chickens.

In Minnetonka, Minnesota, if you drive a truck that leaves mud, dirt, or sticky substances on any road, you will be considered a public nuisance who is harming the peace, safety, and general welfare of the town.

You cannot ride a motorcycle without a shirt.

Montana

In Whitehall, Montana, vehicles are prohibited from driving with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Nevada

It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

New Jersey

Drivers are required to beep their car horns before passing another vehicle.

If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you permanently lose the option of registering for a vanity license plate.

North Carolina

In Dunn, North Carolina, it is illegal to drive on a sidewalk.

Ohio

In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if you consecutively drive around the town square more than 100 times.

Keep in mind that if your car breaks down and you phone for a cab, you will be ticketed if you opt to ride on the cab's roof.

Oklahoma

It is considered illegal to read a comic book while driving.

Oregon

You will be ticketed if you leave your car door open longer than is deemed necessary.

You will be slapped with a Class A traffic violation if you use your car on an Oregon highway to prove your physical endurance.

It is illegal to pump your own gas.

Pennsylvania

If you spy a team of approaching horses, you are required by law to pull to the side of the road and cover your car with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted or sewn to blend into the scenery. But, if the horses react skittish to your efforts, you are then required to disassemble your car and hide the parts in the nearby underbrush.

South Carolina

In Hilton Head, South Carolina, you cannot leave trash in your vehicle out of fear of attracting rats.

Tennessee

It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game other than whales from a moving car.

West Virginia

It is perfectly legal, for road maintenance purposes, to scavenge road kill.

[layback40]

Five couples in a neighborhood decided to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, they formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price was far more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "I think we aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive."

He said , "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I have heard that wild mushrooms can be poisonous."

He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some mushrooms. She brought them back home and washed, sliced, and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful, putting a mess of bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady she knew from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but being this early we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They looked pretty peaked sitting around the living room.

About that time, the hired lady from town came in and said, "You know, I think the fellow that drove the ambulance looks just like the one who ran over Spot an hour ago, but he didn't stop so I can't be certain."

[layback40]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome - one has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."