How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Forget Galileo or Newton Here are the "Real Laws"



1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.



2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.



3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.



4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.



4.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.



6.Variation Law -If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.



7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.



8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.



9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.



10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.



11. Law of Westpac Stadium - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.



12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.



13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.



14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.



15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.



16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.



17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.



18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.



19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

[layback40]

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well . . . it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says,

"The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, “Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women”

[bruggz351]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Thanks for that last one layback. Bloody ripper.

[layback40]

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to revarnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take

care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower,she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up,she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her

(Try to get a mental picture of this.)..
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,

"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

[layback40]

And Then:

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly

Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she

ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."





Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,

"Better think it over .....women like that are hard to find."

[layback40]

Love Story


I will seek and find you . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot as I just did!

[layback40]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"



Five friends were so confident that the weekend before exams, they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Uni until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to an Old age home in the nearest town to spend some time with aged people for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the exam.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points.

It was the easiest question in their entire syllabus.

"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points):

“Which tyre?”



Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?