How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[SeaComms]

Lol. I was going to explain it but thought looking it up might be half the fun

Sent from a tiny keyboard with fat fingers, apologies for my spelling. .

[drover]

Attendance call on the first day back at school in Australia ....

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here."

"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."

"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here."

"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here."

"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."

"Ali Son al Len” Silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al Len" Continued silence as everyone looked around theroom.

She repeated, "Is this the name of any child here?"

A girl stood and said, "I think that's me, Miss. It's pronounced Alison Allen"

[bruggz351]

A Muslim immigrant goes to the doctor and says, "I feel terrible."
The doctor examines him and says, "You need to pee and shit in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for three days."
The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor and says, "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

GHOST SEX
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture
on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."

[layback40]

have a little GPS

I've had it all my life

It’s better than the normal ones

My GPS, is my wife



It gives me full instructions

Especially on how to drive

"Its 60 km an hour", it says

"You're doing sixty five".



It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brakes

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake



It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene



It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear.



I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice



It fills me up with counselling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?



Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things

And - keeps me warm in bed!



Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I do wish that once in a while

I could turn the damned thing off.

[layback40]

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[layback40]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original m********cript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original m********cripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . ..
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...
'CELEBRATE'!!!

[layback40]

THE RECTUM STRETCHER

While "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only
to find a cop with a radar-gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing

smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.


The cop stammered, "A what?............A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?" he asked.


"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $395.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS!