How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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TOOLS AND HOW TO USE THEM EXPLAINED






SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.



BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.




WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'.




DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.




Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.




HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.






OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.



TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal !!




HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.




BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.




TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

[layback40]

Today I was beaten up by a woman...

I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, “Would you please press 1?”

So I did.

I don't remember much after that... Recovery time will be 2-3 weeks.

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Two Tasmanians...
>
> Two Tasmanian's were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
> After a while the first Tasmanian says to the second, "If I was to sneak
> over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing?,
> and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related??
> The second Tasmanian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
> head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
> Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it?d make
> us even."

[layback40]

Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.’

Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’

Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’

Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’

Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’

Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.’

Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank.

[layback40]

A drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.

"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."

[layback40]

Bob, an undertaker, came home with a black eye.




"What happened to you?" asked his wife.




"I had a terrible day," replied Bob. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was the big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection, so I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."




"I see," said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"




"WRONG ROOM!"

[layback40]

The Injured Blonde Golfer
> A blonde was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.
> The party waiting behind her was a group from Canberra that included Bill Shorten.
> Bill quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
> She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Bill Shorten and I hope you'll vote Labor in the next election.
> She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my arse, not my head."