How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side
now here are the rules from the male side

these are our rules!

... Please note. These are all numbered #1 on purpose!

1. Men are not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher columbus did not need directions and neither do we...

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.

1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1 .. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, i know, i have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh...

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh, because its true!

[layback40]

A woman goes to the doctor for a check-up.

When she gets home, her husband asks her how it went.

She replies, "He said I have the body of a twenty-year-old.

Her husband says, "What did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?"

She replies, "Your name didn't come up."

[layback40]

I have to travel down to the gold coast in October ! A cousin of mine wants me to testify for him in court , seems he got caught having sex with one of his patients ! shame , cause he was a bloody good vet ............

[layback40]

A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

[layback40]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a ********** count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup

[layback40]

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.



Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-glazed, energy-efficient kind. Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't, like, paid for them. Hellloooo ... What does he think? I'm, like, automatically stupid or something? So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.



Why did Mickey Mouse go to space? To visit Pluto

I wonder what Edward Scissorhands thinks of touchscreen technology.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyoncè.

What is Doctor Who's favourite snack?

A: Pop-TARDIS.



YOUR PARROT IS DEAD, SENOR

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'.
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Darn! That's a pity. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Grief! What fire are you talking about, man?'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made R680 XD golf club.'
SILENCE. .. . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . .. . . .
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble!!'

[layback40]

I'll never understand why women can look at a baby on the floor, crying & puking & peeing on itself, & think its the most adorable thing ever, but if I'm in a bar doing exactly the same thing they wont even talk to me .......