How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels and a sports car.

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After months of saving, Italian Genaro purchases a £300 pair of Boccelli leather shoes. Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?'
Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new £300 Boccelli leather shoes.

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new £300 Boccelli leather shoes.

For the last dance Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God .... I thought I had a crack in my £300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

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A bloke walks into a bar and says to the bartender "If I show you the coolest thing you've ever seen, will you give me a free beer?" The bartender says "yeah, sure". The bloke reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a little grand piano and places it on the bar. He then pulls out a little stool and places it next to the piano. He then reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a little 12-inch man. He places the little man on the bar and the little man sits on the stool and starts playing Beethoven's 9th symphony - flawlessly!

When he's finished, the bartender says "Wow! That is definitely the coolest thing I've ever seen" and gives the guy a beer. "where did you get him?"

The bloke reaches into his coat pocket a pulls out a brass lamp. "I was walking along the beach one day and found this in the sand. I gave it a rub and out popped a genie. The genie told me he would grant me any wish. That's how I got him".

The bartender was impressed and asked "Do you mind if I give it a go?" The bloke gave him the lamp. The bartender rubbed it and out popped the genie who said "I will grant you any wish". The bartender thought for a while and said "I want a million bucks".

Suddenly, there was a clap of thunder, lightning, and a thick cloud of smoke in the bar. When the smoke cleared, there were one million ducks quacking, flapping and crapping in the bar. The bartender said "I think your genie is hard-of-hearing mate. I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"

The bloke replied "So what makes you think I asked for a 12-inch PIANIST?"

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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your hairy walnuts for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

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little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angels walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy.

They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy's pie and ate it down.

Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left.

One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, "Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn't say a word! He sure ain't much of a man!"

The waitress turned to them and said, "He ain't much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"

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A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car?!?!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
His parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name... they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh, no!," moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So, the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did!!..

[layback40]

Five unshakable facts:
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing them.
2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was killed by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's breast size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.