How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[drover]

Now if your not a Sailor you may need a translator.
'Friscos'a legendary sailors pub in Woolloomoolloo
'Stoker' is an Engineer.

Shipmates
I was drinking in Friscos when a sheila caught my eye
She had a ring through her nose and a tatt on her thigh
I asked for her name and she said, "I'm Fran"
And she smelt like a horse and danced like a WRAN
I asked if she liked country western or rock
And she screamed, "I like sailors and plenty of cock!"
She said, "Come on Jack are you game for a laff ?"
So we jumped in a taxi and went back to her gaff
Now the house was in Redfern and on the front door
Was a crest from each ship that had been there before
I said to her "******** Fran that's impressive to see"
As it looked like she'd been on more ships than me!
It smelled like the mess after a big run ashore
There were lanyards and tally bands all over the floor
She walked to the window and sat on the ledge
I put my hand down her undies and felt her meat and two veg
I tried to get out, but she had hold of my poker
It was then that I realied that Fran was an ex kellick stoker
I ran out out of the door and onto the street
With my strides around my ankles and nothing on my feet
Thank god I escaped and gave praise to the Lord
Got KFC and a taxi and went back on board
So, if you're in Sydney and bump into Fran
Just remember she's a stoker and her real name is Dan.

[layback40]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a ********in toffee apple..

[layback40]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today.

[layback40]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said,
"What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

[layback40]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before.
However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

[layback40]

Why I Like Retirement

Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after they fall asleep in the recliner.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: Crazy!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending coffee break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you skip classes, no one calls your parents.

QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?

'98,' she replied 'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile isyou can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my exercise gear on, the class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference

[layback40]

A little girl says to her mum "mummy you're getting really fat"
"Yes"replies the mum .'But remember,mummy has a baby growing in her tummy".
"I know that"says the girl."But what's growing in your arse?"