How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Secrets.

2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is an easy way to earn money..

The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."

The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom here is $10."

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."

The boy then tries it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!

[layback40]

A bloke jumps into a taxi and asks the driver to
take him into the city center. After a while the
passenger taps him on the shoulder and says
you can drop me off around here.
At that the taxi driver roars "JESUS CHRIST" and
veers across the road into a sign post.
"What the ******** was that about you ********ing lunatic" shouts the passenger."
"Sorry about that bud" the taxi driver says ,"today's
me first day driving a taxi before this I drove a
hearse for 20 years."

[layback40]

A small grandson that was shopping with his grandfather got lost in the mall.

The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”

The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied, “Grandpa.”

The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?”

To which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied,

“Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.

[layback40]

I wonder if Malaysian sharks are getting sick of Airline food!

[layback40]

A biology teacher was telling a class of students about a tribe in africa and that all the men had very large penises .
one straight laced girl was disgusted and stood up and proceeded to walk out of the class .
The teacher shouted after her ...
Hey Meg ! There's no rush love ! .. There isn't another flight to Africa until tomorrow !

[layback40]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘racism’ these days.
A customer asked… “In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?”
The clerk asks…”Are you Irish?”
The guy, clearly offended says… “Yes I am, but let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?”
The clerk says…”No, I probably wouldn’t.”
The guy says…”Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage… “why did you ask me if I’m Irish?”
The clerk replied…”Because you’re in Builders Warehouse”…

[layback40]

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids’ text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW!
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.