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  #2416  
Old 16-01-2015
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A SMALL GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THE GLOOM!



Viagra is now available in tea bags.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
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  #2417  
Old 16-01-2015
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  #2418  
Old 16-01-2015
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Genuine complaints received by councils1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has**fungus growing in it.2) ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I**just can't take it anymore.3) ... it's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt**my knob off.5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he**put his foot in the hole in his back passage.6) ... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls**against my fence.7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet**roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the**wall.10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife**tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting**married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into**the house.11) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen12) ...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the**rest are plain filthy.13) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is**cleared.15) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour**and not fit to drink.16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.17) Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age**Pensioner and need it badly.1 I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning**at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.19) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is**unsightly and dangerous.20) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a**third so please send someone round to do something about it.21) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please**do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every**night.22) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy**my wife.23) I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I**still have no satisfaction.24) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't**get Channel BBC2 on the tv...
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  #2419  
Old 16-01-2015
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For all you who wish to kiss a fish before you throw it back.



Man dodges death after swallowing fish

14 August, 2013

Doctors didn't flounder when a young man accidentally swallowed a live fish — blocking his airway and almost choking him to death.

The bizarre mishap occurred when the 22-year-old, on a fishing trip to the Murray River, decided to pucker up and kiss his first catch of the day.

Unimpressed by his romantic advances, the fish wriggled free and slid headfirst down the man's throat, complete with fishing line and hook attached.

Its fins and spines swiftly became hooked in his oesophageal and hypopharyngeal mucosa — defying multiple attempts to pull it out.

What followed was a life-saving medical marathon, involving three hospitals, over 150km of driving and an array of quick-thinking doctors.

In severe respiratory distress, the man was first driven to the hospital in Barham, a country town of 1200 people on the NSW-Victorian border, where an emergency cricothyrotomy was performed.

With some oxygen getting in, but deteriorating fast, he was transferred to a larger regional hospital at Kerang, Victoria, where the only local GP with advanced airway training was called in to perform an orotracheal intubation.

The procedure proved extremely tricky - the now-dead fish was completely obscuring the oropharynx — but a size 4 microlaryngoscopy tube was eventually squeezed past, allowing the patient to be properly ventilated at last.

But this was not the end of his woes: now surgeons at a third hospital, Bendigo, were left with the challenge of getting the dead critter out.

In what is thought to be a unique procedure, they opted to cut off the fish's tail and core out its upper body with a bone rongeur. This "collapsed" the remaining part of the fish, so scissors could be passed down its side to snip the scales and spines that were holding it in place. The leftover carcass was eventually pulled out with forceps.

Dr Laurence Weinberg, who reported the case this week, said to his knowledge it was the only Australian case of airway obstruction caused by a whole live fish. Similar cases from overseas had all proven fatal.

The man developed aspiration pneumonia and sepsis, and spent eight days in hospital, but has since made a complete recovery.

"Considering where this occurred ... it's testament to the outstanding management of essentially a very rare clinical condition," said Dr Weinberg, a consultant anaesthetist at Austin Hospital, who was not directly involved with the care of the patient.

"To be managing a life-threatening airway emergency in any rural community would be very concerning and stressful. Under the circumstances, the emergency management was certainly life saving."

BMJ Case Reports 2013;

Dr. Rowena Mann
Medical Services Officer | Medical Administration
Northeast Health Wangaratta | PO Box 386, Wangaratta, VIC 3676
Green St, Wangaratta, VIC 3677, Australia
Tel: (03) 5722 5573 | Mob: 0414 231 360 | Fax: (03) 57213020
Rowena.Mann@nhw.hume.org.au
www.nhw.hume.org.au
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  #2420  
Old 16-01-2015
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On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?

"No," said the little boy.............. "It's a puppy!"
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Last edited by layback40; 16-01-2015 at 10:58 AM.
  #2421  
Old 16-01-2015
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A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ’Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ’Pick me up'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.



The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
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  #2422  
Old 16-01-2015
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A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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Last edited by layback40; 16-01-2015 at 11:00 AM.
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