How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

I came out of the fish & chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two days.”

I told him, “I wish I had your will power!”




I took my biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

Apparently "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct
answers.




A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today.

She said, “Sorry about the wait.”

I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually.”




I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?”

I said “No, you're still black”.




An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him,“What's wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus" the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”

The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the
moment.”




Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away.

But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works better !



Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast
shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.



I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus and think to yourself,

"I'm gonna take that!"




Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “ Where am I ?”

The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."



I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last
question,----which I got wrong.
The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"

Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.



A woman has a medical at the doctors.
“You are grossly overweight,” he says.

”I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims.


” OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”

[layback40]

A small boy named Bruce lived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia.

None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad Bruce".

One day Bruce 's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.

The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Sydney, relocating to Newcastle.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Bruce, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!

Don't tell me you thought Bruce became a f##kin heart-surgeon? Sometimes I worry about you.

[layback40]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”
The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”
God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.
A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”
God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”
The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious!!..

[layback40]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:

'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

[layback40]

You ladies may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch,isn't that bad.....It's kinda manly,makes us feel like we are camping...With a really angry bear nearby....

[layback40]

An old lady meets a little girl in the park with her dog. She asks, "What's your name, little girl?"
"Blossom," answers the girl.
"Oh, that's a beautiful name. How did you get it?"
The little girl explained, "Well, my mommy was pregnant, and a blossom fell out of a tree and landed right on her tummy, so she named me Blossom."
"Oh, that's so nice, replied the old lady. "What's your dog's name?"
"Porky," the little girl answered.
"Why Porky?" the old lady asked.
The little girl answered, "Because he f##ks pigs!!..

[layback40]

A Qld farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
'Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked.
'Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'?
'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Robbo? Is he here'?
'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Robbo getting my daughter pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment.
'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Robbo