How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."

[layback40]

Susie is a prostitute who doesn't want her gran to know. One day Police raid the brothel & line up the girls outside.The gran walks past& sees her.Quick thinking Susie tells her its a queue for free oranges, so her gran joins the queue. When the Police get to gran, they're surprised& ask her 'how do u do it at your age?'she replies ,I take my teeth out, peel back the skin& suck 'em until they're dry.

[layback40]

I didn't have to wait long for the R.A.C man to turn up.
"Thanks for getting here so quickly," I said, "You're going to have to tow me home."
"What's the problem?" he asked.
"I've had about eight pints and I can't afford a f##kin taxi!!..

[layback40]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mum fainted.

[layback40]

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said: “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed: “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said: “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box!!..

[gazxr]

layback40 your jokes are the hilight of my day, never fails to put a smile on my face and for that i thank you

[layback40]

Simple maths over the past 40 years and beyond.

1. Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is $80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and koalas might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of $20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license. He is also fined a $100 as his Chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the Chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another $100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find some indigenous people have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned for 6 months and fined a further $100.

While he is in jail the indigenous people cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for $100 cash. They also have a BBQ of koala and goanna, and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The logger on release is warned that failure to clear the fly and vermin ridden rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced $12,000 plus GST for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make $20 profit by hard work; he should give up, sign on to the dole and live off the government for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new truck because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million dollar in bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the $1,200 licencing fee on hi s old truck however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Vietnamese loggers buy the truck from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to Australia with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay $1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths in 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
ا! لثمن. ما هو الربح له؟