How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

I Am Australian"

I came from the dreamtime
From the dusty red soil plains
I am the ancient heart
The keeper of the flames
I Stood upon the rocky shore
I watched the tall ships come
For forty thousand years I've been the first Australian

I came upon the prison ships
Bound down by iron chains
I cured the land
Endured the lash
And waited for the rains
I'm a settler
I'm a farmers wife
On a dry and barren run
A convict and a free man
I became Australian

I'm a daughter of a digger
Who sought the mother load
The girl became a women
On the long and dusty road
I'm a child of the depression
I saw the good time come
I'm a bushy I'm a battler
I am Australian

We are one
But we are many
And from all the lands on earth we come
We'll share a dream
And sing with one voice
I am, you are, we are Australian

I'm a teller of stories
I'm a singer of songs
I am Albert Namatjira
And I paint the ghostly gums
I'm Clancy on his horse
I'm Ned Kelly on the run
I'm the one who waltzed matilda
I am Australian

I'm the hot wind from the desert
I'm the black soil of the plain
I'm the mountains and the valleys
I'm the drowned and flooding rains
I am the rock
I am the sky
The rivers when they run
The spirit of this great land
I am Australian

We are one
But we are many
And from all the lands on earth we come
We'll share a dream
And sing with one voice
I am, you are, we are Australian

We are one
But we are many
And from all the lands on earth we come
We'll share a dream
And sing with one voice
I am, you are, we are Australian.....

[layback40]

AN INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY!
WTF for?

Gender equality is something I hope never happens because if women and men were ever to be equal it will take all the interest out of shopping. If women hate being seen as sex objects why do they go to such extreme lengths to ensure they are?

Okay let’s start at the bottom, er, feet.

WOMAN: Uncomfortable open-toed high heels displaying fastidiously manicured nails, painted red of course and devoid of fungus.
BLOKE: Thongs with hairy splayed toes.

WOMAN: Clean shaven moisturised legs that appear to go all the way up her armpits with enough flesh showing to drive you nuts.
BLOKE: Shorts with huge pockets, revealing hairy calves.

WOMAN: A back bottom that doesn’t fart, with each yummy cheek moving in tantalising reciprocal motion without panty lines.
BLOKE: Most of his undies showing and lifts one leg off the ground to let his mates cop an explosive belly-full of flatulence.

WOMAN: A beautifully manicured front bottom with either a cute little landing strip or a “come and get me” Brazilian below a little blue butterfly.
BLOKE: An unkempt scrotum attractive only to nits.

WOMAN: A flat little stomach devoid of hair and smothered in a dozen different lotions.
BLOKE: A competition as to who has the best beer gut.

WOMAN: Tits to die for with a top displaying an hypnotic cleavage and noticeable, temperature-regulated nipples.
BLOKE: Stained Tshirt.

WOMAN: An exquisitely long neck leading to perfectly shaped ears from which diamond pendants dangle.
BLOKE: Unshaven double chin.

WOMAN: A mouth with moistened lips that lead a bloke to naughty thoughts... painted red of course to indicate arousal.
BLOKE: A cigarette holder.

WOMAN: Sculptured cheek bones brushed with rouge (hmmm, there’s that colour again) and exuding a head-spinning pheramonal fragrance.
BLOKE: A fetid beard hiding pimples and blackheads.

WOMAN: Come-to-bed eyes with pastel eyeshadow and long eyelashes that bat better than Bradman.
BLOKE: Both still bloodshot from last night.

WOMAN: Silky shampooed hair, framing a beautiful face.
BLOKE: It either looks like a pelican nest or is bald.

WOMAN: Flawless spidery fingers tipped with long red nails ready to dig furrows into your back at passion’s peak.
BLOKE: Dirty nails.

So it’s got me stuffed why women want equality, haven’t they noticed there is no International Blokes’ Day?

[layback40]

3 sisters,Ann,Jan,and Fanny-all have very big feet,Ann has size8,Jan size 9,and Fanny size 15..Ann and Jan go on a double date,0ne of the boys says,"Jesus,you both have very big feet!".Ann replies,"You should see our Fanny's they're f##kin huge!"....

[layback40]

I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.

My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he said, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse."

[layback40]

I predict that in the future, Youtube,Twitter, and Facebook will merge to create one super time-wasting site called YouTwitFace.

[layback40]

After both suffering depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday! But strangely enough, once she killed herself i started to feel a lot better, so i thought f##k it l'll soldier on..!

[layback40]

I'm not saying my ex wife is a slag but even the labels in her knickers said Next!!..