How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Women should be like golf caddies....either holding your balls or getting the tee ready!!

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My wife asked me what my plans are for Easter?
The same as Jesus', disappear Friday, show up Monday!!..

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I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy f##ks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl f##ks just two guys in a year, she's a slut.
So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock.
That shut her up.

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Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Fancy Dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden leg.

So he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit

emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you

will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden,

then stick your wooden leg up your f##kin arse and go as a Toffee Apple.

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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

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My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans…
I pulled out my cellphone and said, “That’s nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!!..