How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

I'm not homophobic, in the same way that I'm not arachnaphobic.

I'm not scared of gays; I'm not scared of spiders.

But if I were to walk in and find one in my bed, I'd be a little worried.

[layback40]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[layback40]

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[layback40]

"I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for
sex," I screamed at my husband."I'm really disappointed."
"You can hardly blame me," he answered. "It's not like I was
getting any from you." "Well that's your fault," I replied. "
You never told me you were willing to pay for it!!..

[layback40]

Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?

A: It depends how hard you throw them.



A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks.

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."

As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs. As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man mutters, "Isn’t my dog."



It must have been weird dealing with allergies before we had a working understanding of modern medicine like:

"Yeah we farm peanuts and mostly we’re okay but every so often someone eats one and just dies so it’s kind of sketchy".



Why isn’t a group of kangaroos called a kangacrew?



I’ll respect your opinion as long as your opinion doesn’t disrespect my existence.



If someone is mean to you, don’t be mean back. Talk to them, get to know them, be good friends, and find out all the kinds of books/movies/TV series they love… Then spoil it.



Why aren’t oven mitts called glovens?



Q: What does a cat say when somebody steps on its tail? A: Me-ow!

Q: What do you call a baby bear with no teeth? A: A gummy bear!

Q: Why did the dog cross the road twice? A: He was trying to fetch a boomerang!

Q: What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing? A: Its shadow!

Q: What do you call a pig who knows karate? A: Porkchop!

Q: Where does an elephant pack his luggage? A: In his trunk!

Q: There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left? A: None, because they were copycats!

Q: Which day do fish hate? A: Fryday!

Q: What do you call a cow in a tornado? A: A milkshake!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant? A: Nothing, peanuts don’t talk.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No I deer!

Q: Why was the cat afraid of a tree? A: Because of the bark!

Q: How are elephants and trees alike? A: They both have trunks!

Q: What do you call an exploding monkey? A: A baboom!

Q: What do you call an elephant in a phone booth? A: Stuck!

[layback40]

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

Eventually the knocks got louder and more frequent, but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he suddenly looked through the window.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" he shouted, "I can see you in there, open the door!"

"You're not coming in, mate!" I replied.

He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

[layback40]

Fifty Sheds Of Grey
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We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

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She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.

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She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

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Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

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“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

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“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

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“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

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I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

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“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

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“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You have fat ankles and no dress sense.”

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“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.

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“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.