How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a f##kin horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks..

[layback40]

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

[layback40]

One time I got sick and landed in hospital.
There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk
to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
"And how are we doing this morning?"
Or
"Are we ready for a bath?" or
"Are we hungry?"
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice
off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.
Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later, picked up the
urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,
"My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today."
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying,
"Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time!"
The nurse fainted... I just smiled.

[layback40]

One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.
The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, written larger than the previous day.
Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrawled on the blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

[layback40]

Went to the doctors the other day,my new doctor is a young female, drop dead gorgeous.I was embarrassed but she said don't worry i'm a professional,i've seen it all before,just tell me what's wrong and i'll check it for you personally.......I said i think my ********** tastes funny.....

[layback40]

Ladies if you come across a man who is smart,hot,humble,educated,financially secure,passionate and patient,great at fixing things around the house,and isn't materialistic,great in bed,loves you like your the only girl in the world and listens to your every word..... Then please be assured that the weed you just smoked is of supreme quality

[layback40]

An ugly bird came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?" I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else" She said,"When i die i'm gonna come back as a dog!" I said,"You're not f##kin listening love!"