How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. Coli Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

We all took PE ..... And risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us. We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!

We all said prayers in school irrespective of our religion, sang the national anthem and no one got upset.

Staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t got.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!

Oh yeah ... And where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? Could I have been killed!

We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive???????????????

[layback40]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.” He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?” Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears!” Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at this body, it’s beautiful and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?” Clearing his throat, he stammered… “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.”

[layback40]

Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby
Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great! now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

[layback40]

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she did not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem:
"When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.
Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex.
She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

[layback40]

A cure has been found for homosexuality.
Lip balm - you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away!!..

[layback40]

The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and ********ed off home.

[bleetnblurt]

Originally Posted by layback40

Can you figure out the riddle below?

What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND works best when it is jerked?
SCROLL DOWN......









A Seatbelt you pervert!
Buckle up!

hey layback , I thought the hole is a slot ? LOL