How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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My wife rang to say she's just gone into labour.

I told her it was bloody ridiculous to start a career in politics when we're expecting a baby.

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Wish me luck in the London Marathon today. Last year I managed 3 hours, 12 mins, 9 sec. This year I'm going to try to beat that but I usually get bored and turn the TV over...

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ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERBS...........
Virginity like bubble - one prick all gone
Man who run in front of car get tired
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it
Man who drive like hell bound to get there
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs
Man who farts in church sits in own pew
Crowded elevator smells different to midget!!.

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I was in Sydney at Rockers last night, standing at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the arse.

She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number!”
I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"
She said, "I sure do."
I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing."

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I was standing at the bar in Dublin and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to him and starts drinking a Guinness.
I asked him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”

He says “No, why the hell you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?

“No”, i said, “It’s because you’re drinking my f##kin Guinness.”

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Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

The next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, “Oh he's out in Rehab, exercising.”

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it, and Mick, off to the hospital.

The next day, he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, “He's out in the Rehab again, exercising.”

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon, Mick comes back to work.

As usual, within a couple of days, he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily, Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it, and Mick, to the hospital.

The next day, he goes in and asks the nurse about Mick. The nurse breaks down and while crying, says, “He's dead.”

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”

“No,” says the nurse, “Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

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I was visiting my son the other day when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. My 'know it all' son sarcastically laughed and said, "this is the 21st century, we don't waste money on newspapers, here you can borrow my lpad." Well I can tell you now, that fly didn't know what the f##k hit it !