How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for condoms. The reception says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies……

Don’t be thucking thtupid, I’d thucking thufficate..

[layback40]

The foreman on a large work site noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him "what's your name?"
"John", the new bloke replied.
The Foreman scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of wishy-washy work site you were on before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.
It's weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only -Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.
If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or Jones, do that!
Now that we have that straight, what's your last name?"
The new bloke sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly, "Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is..."

[layback40]

The wife said, "I'd like a little tattoo on the side of my neck, but I don't know what to get."
I said, "How about a on/off switch!!..

[layback40]

Why is it if you scream in a library everyone looks at you funny, but if you do it on a plane, everyone f@rking joins in?...

[layback40]

To the tune --- "It's Raining Men"

BBq is heating
Barometer's getting low
According to our sources
Australia's the place to go

Cause' tonight for the first time
Just about half past six
For the first time in history
It's gonna start raining pork

It's raining pork
Hallejulah
It's raining bacon
Amen

It's raining pork
Ramadan screw ya
It's raining bacon
Amen

BBq is heating
Barometer's getting low
According to our sources
Australia's the place to go

Cause' tonight for the first time
Just about half past six
For the first time in history
It's gonna start raining pork

It's raining pork
Ramadan screw ya
It's raining bacon
Amen

I'm gonna go out
I'm gonna let myself get
Absolutley porkin wet

It's rainin pork
Ramadan screwya
It's raining pork
Aussie special bacon

Long round white and lean
Rough and tough and strong and mean

God bless our Australia
She's a nation strong and proud
She has our freedom
I’m thinking pork vindaloo

We’ve fought every mosim
Cause we love our bacon fry
So that each and every Australian
Could find the perfect pork

It's rainin pork

So Aussies get yourselves together
You know what to do

I feel stormy weather moving in
About to begin
Hear the thunder
Don't you loose your head
Rip off the roof and get porkin wet

It's raining pork
Hallejulah
It's raining bacon
Amen

It's raining pork
Ramadan screw ya
It's raining bacon
Amen

It's raining pork
Hallejulah
It's raining bacon
Amen

It's raining pork
Ramadan screw ya
It's raining bacon
Amen

It's raining pork
It's raining pork
It's raining pork

[layback40]

NURSING HOME: ........................
A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a
95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!!..

[layback40]

NEWSPAPER BOY
Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.
He knocks on a door and says to the lady,
"I'm collecting today... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but I'll gladly
give you some great sex instead."
Little Johnny agrees, "All right."
He walks in and the lady undoes his pants and pulls them
down.
To her surprise, she sees the biggest penis she's
ever seen.
Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls
out a handful of washers, and begins sliding them onto
his penis.
The lady says, "You don't have to do that... I can take
all of it."
"Not for five bucks you can't," replies Little Johnny.