How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Bill’s wife goes out to buy a car. The salesman says, I recommend this one. She asks why.
The salesman says, “Because it has hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I’ll show you.”
He drives the car 100 miles and hour toward a brick wall, and when he’s 100 feet away he jams on the brakes.
They stop a foot from the wall. The salesman says, “Do you smell that?” She takes a sniff and says, “Uh-huh.” The salesman says proudly, “That’s hydraulic backspin brakes.”
That night when Bill gets home, his wife says, “Dear, I bought a car.”
Bill asks, “How did you decide which kind to buy?” She says, “I bought one with hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I’ll show you.
They get in, and she drives 100 miles an hour toward the same brick wall. When they are 100 feet away from it she jams on the brakes, and they stop one foot from the wall. She looks over at her husband and says. “Do you smell that?”
Bill says, “I ought to! I’m sitting in it!!..

[layback40]

So Jesus "came back from the dead" after three days. I just tried that excuse with the wife after a three day bender and she f@rking crucified me!!..

[layback40]

It was an eerie Friday the 13th....I found myself in a darkly lit room, face to face with this grotesquely mutilated face, with its bulging veins, gnarling razor sharp teeth, dripping with saliva, and its evil, cold, hate filled eyes staring back at me with a venomous gaze. I was terrified, but I had to say something.........."Err, mind if I pop out for a pint, love!!..

[layback40]

After having sex with the same woman for thirty years I think it's time for a change.
I'm going to start shagging the wife.

[layback40]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A checkout chick walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The girl thought for a moment and said:
"No, no I didn't....... but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."..

[layback40]

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"
The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.
The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in.
A crocodile swims out to rescue him.
When they get onto dry land, the croc asks,
"What's wrong with you, lizard?"
The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink.
The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala.
When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."
The koala looks down and says
"Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?..

[layback40]

young lad gets a summer job in a department store. The boss tells him to try and up sell as much as possible. A man comes in to buy a fishing rod and he ends up buying a boat. The boss is very impressed and tells him to keep up the good work. Later that day another man comes and asks for a packet of tampax. The lad asks him if he'd like to buy a lawnmower. The man looks puzzled and asks why would I want a lawnmower? The lad says, well you're not going to be doing much for the next week or so, you might as well cut the grass!!..