How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

An Alcoholic, a Chain Smoker and a Homosexual go to the doctor.
The doctor says: "If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."
As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey, falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.
As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning. The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says: "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!!..

[layback40]

Jarge, at 80 years old, always wanted a pair of fancy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret at age 75, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, he stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Jarge, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, he yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Jarge. Shoulda bought a hat."

[layback40]

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged big breasted woman.

[layback40]

I took the missus to Blackpool for the day. we we're looking at the clothes shops when she noticed a fur coat, got to be honest it was lovely so I thought I'll buy it for her I asked the assistant how much? £1000 she said I said it's expensive init. she then told me it was made from Hamster fur so can you imagine all the hours that went into making it. so I bought it. she put it on and we then made our way to the funfair, it took me 3 ********in hours to get her off the big wheel.

[layback40]

If you think your girlfriend has a good sense of humour, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading up to a sink full of dirty dishes!!..

[layback40]

Have you tidied up?" I asked my wife earlier.
"Of course I'VE ********ing tidied up," she snapped. "Who else does? Certainly not you, eh? No, definitely not you because YOU do ******** all around here. You don't do any of the cleaning, don't go near the cooker or look after the kids at all - Jesus, I can't even get you to walk the ********ing dog - so yes, yes I've ********ing tidied up."
"Well, in that case, have you seen a sheet of paper I'd left out?" I asked. "It's got some plans on it that I'd drawn up."
"Oh, riiiiight," she said, sarcastically. "Mr D I ********ing Y and his clever-arse ideas. No I haven't seen your stupid ********ing plans."
"Bloody hell," I groaned. "I was going to lay a patio in the garden."
"A ********ing patio?" she laughed. "Over my dead body."
"Oh, so you HAVE seen my plans!!..

[layback40]

I received an accidental text today: 'Hi, be home soon, love ya, Dave xxx'
So for a laugh, I thought I'd text the bloke back: 'Don't bother, I don't love you, you're a ******** & I've been shagging your brother!'
I couldn't wait for the reply, then it came:
'You ok mum?'