How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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My mates been told by the Doctor he's got viagraphobia.he's scared stiff.

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I called my son in son in New York today and said, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" my son yelled.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," I explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".
Frantic, the my son called his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouted, "I'll take care of this."
She called me immediately, and screamed at me, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.
I hung up the phone and turned to my wife. "Okay", I said, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare!!.."

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

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After retiring, this old bastard went to the Centrelink Office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked for his driver license to verify his age. After looking in his pockets, he realized he had left his wallet at home.
The old bastard told the woman that he was very sorry, and that he would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said “Unbutton your shirt.”
So he opened his shirt revealing a bush of curly silver hair. She said “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed his application.
When the old bastard got home, he excitedly told his wife about the experience at the Centrelink Office
She said, “You should have dropped your pants… you might have gotten disability, too!!..

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Couple driving home and run over a Badger, they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold. Husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up", wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks", he says "Well hold the Badgers ********ing nose then!

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She came at night,
explored my body,
got on top of me,
touched me,
she bit, sucked, swallowed, when she was satisfied, she left,
i was hurt,
BLOODY MOSQUITO!!..

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A little American Indian boy asked his father, the Big Chief of the tribe:
Father, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have short names like Bill, Max or Sam ?"
"My son", replied his father, "Our names have a meaning and a reason, they represent a symbol, a sign or a poem in our culture, not like the white men who live all together and merely repeat their same names from generation to generation.
For example, your sister's name is "Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake", because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected on the lake. Then there's
your brother, "White Horse of the Prairies", because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies appeared near our camp. It's really very simple and easy to understand”.
"Do you have any other questions for me, "Little Broken Condom Made In
China?"