How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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NEWSFLASH....Bloke as been shot with a starter pistol.......police think it could be race related!!..

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An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "Any of you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused... One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?" The worker yelled back , " 'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

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Mary, a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her up-coming marriage to Paddy, with the parish priest.
“He dropped his trousers last night Father, he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before.”
“Sure that’s only his penis Mary.”
“But father there’s a purple knob on it.”
“That’s just the head of the penis Mary.”
“Yeah, but then Father, about 16 inches back from the purple knob there’s two big round things. What are they Father?”
“Well for your sake Mary, I hope they’re the cheeks of his arse!!..

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This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies.
She, franticly calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and he's dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath.
Everything will be fine!
Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio...."Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven!!.

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A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me.
Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robe, perhaps?
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead!!.

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I met this girl at the weekend and took her home to meet my dad.
He whispered to me, "Where the ******** did you get her from, son?! She's cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she's got no teeth!"
I replied, "There's no need to whisper, Dad. She's deaf as well."

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My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies!!..