How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night." The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulls back the covers and proceeds to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she hissed. "You'll wake my mother!!.

[layback40]

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. “I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”

[layback40]

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out." He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be." The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law!!..

[layback40]

A load of paddys went on a mystery coach trip. They had a sweep stake to guess where they were going.The driver won 68 quid!!.

[layback40]

A motor cycle policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something painfully pulling at his pubic hairs .
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and his entire private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford sedan you booked for speeding last week for only doing 3 kph over the limit."
Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

[layback40]

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.....What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'
'No,'' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes;
a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon!'
'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of baked beans and gave it to the customer.
The truckie asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'

She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well fill up on gas!!

[layback40]

Two blondes walk up to a perfume counter.
The first one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist, smells it, and says, "That's nice, don't you think, Tracy?"
Tracy says, "Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"
Sharon says, "Viens a moi."
Tracy says, "Viens a moi? What's that mean?"
The store clerk says, "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'Come to me.'"
Sharon takes another sniff and says, "That doesn't smell like ****** to me. Does it smell like ****** to you?"