How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

My mate packed in his job at McDonalds. he couldn't take it any more. he said the boss was a clown!!..

[layback40]

This couple has a dog that snored. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he could help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right!" she says and walks away.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed and falls asleep happy.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
Awaken, the woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him. The woman falls asleep and sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks at the dog and whispers, "Buddy, I don't know where we were or what we did last night, but we took first and second place!!..

[layback40]

Camilla says to the Queen, "Every time I suck Charles' penis I get acid indigestion."
The Queen replies, "Have you tried Andrews?.

[layback40]

I was in a pub quiz last night and one of the questions was: What have Nicole Kidman, Kylie Minogue and Julia Roberts got in common?
Apparently, women who I've masturbated to was not the answer!!..

[layback40]

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt" Now you can handle the situation.
Jack was the only son of Awe Schitt and Owe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married Owe Schitt, the proprietor of Kneedeep N. Schitt Inc.
In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple had six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents will, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock and, because her children were still living with them she kept her previous name. She was then known as NoeSchitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The local newspapers duly announced the Schitt-Happens weddings. The Schitt-Happens children were named Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new wife, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says,"You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them because you know his whole family and life story!!..

[layback40]

Two Gay Guys are visiting the Zoo. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?' 'AM I HURT?' he shouts; 'Wouldn't you be?.............he hasn't called..... He hasn't written......hhhhh

[layback40]

I pulled a Chinese bird at a club once.
She came on a bit strong and said, "Me so horny, me do anything for you."
I said "How about a 69?" She said "You f@rk off, me no cooking at this time of night!"