How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

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My Wife told me that I sometimes treat her like a child.
I didnt know how to react, so I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself!!.

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A crowd enters a bar and orders a big round of drinks. When they come to pay they give the barman milk bottle tops.
"What the ********'s this?" says the barman.
The head of the group comes over to explain. "It's the annual outing from the mental home down the road. Just humour them, keep a tab and, at the end of the night, I'll settle up with you," says the guy.
"Okay," says the barman with a big wink.
The night rolls on and it's a roaring success. The barman hails the guy. "That was a great night! Not one of them is sober and no trouble at all!" he says, amazed. "That will be £473.82, please."
"Okay," says the guy. "have you got change for a dustbin lid?

[layback40]

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read:
The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read:
I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand.

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I met Bill Clinton once and he told me that Monica Lewinsky was deaf, I said what do you mean Bill ? He said I told her to sack the cook and hold my calls.

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I've written a letter to the Auspost to complain about my post being stolen.
To make sure they see it, I've put it inside a birthday card!!..

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Bruce and Sheila are shopping when Bruce picks up a dozen cans of beer and puts them into the trolley.
“What do you think you’re doing?” says Sheila.
“They’re on special, only $10 for 12 cans”, Bruce says.
“Put them back. We can’t afford it,” says Sheila and they carry on shopping…
A few minutes later the Sheila picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks Bruce.”
It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” Sheila says.
To which Bruce replies… “SO DOES 12 CANS OF BEER AND THAT’S ONLY HALF THE F@rKING PRICE”