Jokes

[silver_jk]

Jim's Monkey

Jim walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole. The bartender screams at Jim, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'>>Jim says 'No, what?' 'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!

''Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied Jim, 'He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. 'He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While Jim is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?' He asks. 'No, what?' replies Jim. 'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!' said the bartender? 'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied Jim. 'He still eats anything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.

-- If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel,go down there and light it your bloody self

[hillsjeep]

Why men don't write advice columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.

He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.


Walter

[waynegler]

Check out the jokes here!
www.wranglerforum.com/off-topic/jeep-jokes
reasons why Jeeps are better than women/you know your having fun when....

[wendaloo]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a
couple of dollars for dinner.




I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I
haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[wendaloo]

Marriage

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I

don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"


His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

[wendaloo]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.


One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.


He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"


His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

[wendaloo]

GUTS OR BALLS

MEDICAL DISTINCTION.

We've all heard about people having GUTS or BALLS. Do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.......

GUTS:
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS:
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next fatty."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.