How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face!

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Q: What do you get if you cross an Egyptian mummy with a car mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man!

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A little Catholic sense of humour
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her
reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides
over and whispers, 'What'd you get ?'
'Four months holiday and five good leads...'

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Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Thelma’s father thinks a bit then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”
“The whole ISIS group...” she says.
“Why them?” her father asks in shock?
“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and, maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they’d love everyone a lot. And then they’d start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn’t hate anyone anymore.”
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. “Thelma, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”
“I know...” Thelma says. “And, once that gets them out in the open, the ARMY could blow the livin' shit out of them

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Robbery in Ireland The Vanilla Pudding Robbery This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bite to eat.' The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. Next day the newspaper headline read: 'IRELAND'S LARGEST ********** BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'...

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two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

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Good question!
: If swimming is a good exercise to stay FIT,
Why are whales FAT ??
Why is the place in a stadium where people SIT,
called a STAND ?
Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN, but nobody wants to DIE..?
In our country, we have FREEDOM of SPEECH,
Then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS ?
If money doesn't grow on TREES, then why do banks have BRANCHES ?
Why doesn't GLUE
stick to its BOTTLE ?
Why do you still call it a BUILDING, when its already BUILT ?
If its true that we are here to HELP others, what are others HERE for ?
If you arent supposed to DRINK and DRIVE...Why do bars have PARKING lots ?
If All The Nations In The World Are In Debt, Where Did All The Money Go..?
When Dog Food Is New With Improved Taste, Who Tests It..?
If The "Black Box" Flight Recorder Is Never Damaged During A Plane Crash, Why Isn't The Whole Airplane Made Out Of That Stuff..?
Who Copyrighted The Copyright Symbol..?
Can You Cry Under Water.?
Why Do People Say "You've Been Working Like A Dog",
When Dogs Just Sit Around All Day..??
We all are Living in a seriously funny world....