How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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Two middle-aged women, Gladys and Mable, are chatting.
"Mable, do you think as you get older your fanny actually gets looser?"
"Ooh I don't know." replied Mable. "I had sex with my Henry last
night and, to be honest, I felt like the outside of a sausage roll!"
Gladys looked unconvinced.
"Have you tried looking at it?" asked Mable.
"Look at it? I don't know, I mean I'm putting the beef on at my
age." said Gladys patting her middle-aged pot-belly.
"Here's what you do," confided Mable. "Take a mirror from off of
the wall and lay it on the floor, then stand astride it and you'll
get a good look at your ********."
"Hey, that's a good idea!" said Gladys, and trotted off home to try
it out.
At home, Gladys is standing in the bathroom, mirror on floor and
legs akimbo, peering at her ******** in the mirror's reflection. Her
husband is walking past the doorway when he spots what's going on.
He charges into the bathroom and shoves Gladys hard against the wall.
"Ooh George! You ********ing bastard!! You could have broke my bloody
arm then!!" she whined.
"You ungrateful cow!" George retorted. "If you'd have fallen down
that hole you'd have broken your f@rking back!!..

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I've been married to my wife for 10 years today.
Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication.
I don't know how she does it.

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Why do blokes snore when they lay on their back? Because their balls flop down over their arsehole and they get vapour-lock!

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An insect just flew in to my kitchen and blew it's self up
Think it was a jihadi long legs!!..

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A class 5 teacher asked her students to make rhymes with their names; Sam: My name is Sam, When I grow up to be a man, I want to go to Russia and Japan, If I can, If I can, If I can Candy: My name is Candy, When I grow up to be a lady, I want to have a baby If I can, if I can, if I can Dan: My name is Dan. When I grow up to be a man, To hell with Russia and Japan I'm gonna help Candy with her plan I know I can, I know I can, I know I can.

[layback40]

Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend who he had not been seeing for very long. Chris consulted with his sister and decided that a pair of good quality gloves would be ideal... not too romantic, not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter: Dear Mary, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love, Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing!!..

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A scientist in england has invented a bra that stops ladies boobs bouncing up and down and there nipples poking out when its cold - his workmates have kicked his head in!!..