How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no.”" the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear."

"That’s what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let’s do that."

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office.

"Well, how’s the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.

"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made."

"What’s wrong?" asks the doctor.

"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren’t bags, those are your boobs, and if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!"

[layback40]

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a carpark for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, it’s parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1.40 for cars and £7 for buses.
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the carpark was the Zoo’s own responsibility.
The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy … is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day — for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds … and no one even knows his name.
Haha.. ********ing brilliant!!..

[layback40]

Englishman walks into a bar, there's normally a Scotsman, Welshman and an Irishman in this gag but they were still at the world cup watching the Rugby!!..

[layback40]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[layback40]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, from Lanark and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied. She dashed out of the room.

[layback40]

To see if people really react badly to burka wearers, my wife, who is a journalist, decided to wear one for a week, and gauge the reactions.
On the first day, she was spat on, slapped in the face, threatened with death, and yelled at.
And she hasn't even left the house yet.

[layback40]

The Trouser Snake is the world's most dangerous snake. Colour varies from pink to black. It's fangless, average length 5 - 6 inches (although some are said to reach 8 inches depending on honesty of it's owner) it appears usually in bedrooms attacking women in the mouth or lower abdominal area. It's highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting 9 months! Some mutant species have also been known to attack men from behind!