How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little.

Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing!

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table.

"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ."

The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the doctor "Any asshole can sing country music!"

[layback40]

A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again.

The skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more.

She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of a sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus.

She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner."

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough either for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

[layback40]

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a greasy-spoon when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.

Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got shit-faced."

The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.

Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mother next year."

Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never, EVER marry my mother!"

The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you bastards please pass the f@rking salt?"

[layback40]

Can some one please make this display.


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?f...7024004&type=3

[layback40]

A drunk staggers into the pub and orders whiskey.

"No," says the bartender. "You're already drunk, and you stiffed me for your tab last time you were here. Leave or I call the police.'

"Wait," slurs the drunk. "If you'll give me a couple drinks, I'll get up on the bar and fart 'Danny Boy' for you."

Before the bartender can say no, a howl of agreement goes up from the others sitting at their stools. One even offers to cover the Drunkard's' previous tab.

"OK", grumbles the barkeep. He pours 2 whiskeys, and the drunk slowly drinks them down.

"Up on the bar. let's hear 'Danny Boy'."

The drunk climbs up onto the bartop, with the help of the bartender himself.

He stands, drops his pants, bends over and "PTTTHHH" out drops a load of shit, covering the bar, stools, and the drunk's own legs.

"WHAT THE ******** ARE YOU DOING?!!" screams the barman as he jumps backwards.

"Hey," replies the drunk. "Even Sinatra had to clear his throat."

[layback40]

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

[layback40]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."