How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A man was driving down the highway in his pick-up truck and there was this lone monkey just sitting along the side of the road.

Confused, the man stopped the truck and opened the door. "You need a lift?" he asked. The monkey just stared back at him and scratched his butt. Eventually the man got out, picked the monkey up, put it in his front seat and started down the road again.

At this time there was a state trooper cruising down in the opposite direction. The policeman happened to see the man pick up the monkey. Knowing that it was not only illegal to pick up hitch hikers, but also illegal to have a monkey, he pulled the man over a few miles down the road. The policeman chewed the man out for picking up the monkey and told him to take it to the zoo immediately. The man agreed and was off.

The next day the policeman saw the man driving down the highway with the monkey again. So he pulled the man over and said, "I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo."

"I did," replied the man, "and we had so much fun that today we're going to Sea World!"

[layback40]

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting.

There was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!"

But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy ... any guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with."

[layback40]

A guy meets a childhood pal: "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

I'm a fireman.

Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.

Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so you kid can practice, 'cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again: "Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No, but I have two daughters who are exotic dancers."

[layback40]

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!"

"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private.

"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"

"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.

"Well then, what is it?"

"I'd rather not tell you sir..."

"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now."

"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private.

"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"

"You see, she crossed her legs....."

[layback40]

In the middle of harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started to pee.

Most unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the tip of his manhood.

The pain was unbearable, but he remembered a piece of good advice.

He went to the farmer's house and put his thingy in buttermilk.

At that moment, the farmer's daughter walked in. Her face red, she stood perfectly still looking at him.

"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.

To which the girl replied, "Yes, but this is the first time I've seen one being reloaded!"

[layback40]

Back when Prince Andrew first became engaged to Fergie, he spoke to his father, "Fergie assures me she is a virgin. How will I know if she is?"

"It's simple, son" replied Prince Phillip. "On your honeymoon night, when you get into bed, if she's clumsy, nervous, makes mistakes and is not sure what to do, then you can be fairly sure she's a virgin. But if she gives you instructions and tells you what to do, you'll know she's a lying slut who's slept around."

After the honeymoon, Phillip asked, "How was it son?'

"Just great, Father" said Andrew. "It was just the way you said... and no doubt about it - she's definitely a virgin."

"Was she nervous, son?" asked Phillip.

"She sure was Father" Andrew replied. "In fact she was so nervous and confused that when we jumped into bed, instead of putting the pillow under her head, she was in such a state she jammed it under her a*se."

[layback40]

A guy was stuck on a desert island for years. Then, from the depths of the ocean, came a stunning dark-haired beauty equipped with scuba gear.

She walked slowly, voluptuously, up to the guy and asked very softly "Would you like a cigarette?".

His yes filled with wonder as he answered "sure".

She unzipped a pocket on the sleeve of her wetsuit, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a light. She offered him a cigarette, took one herself and lit them both.

As they smoked their cigarettes, she asked, "Would you like a martini?"

"WoW, Yes" he responded with immense enthusiasm.

So she unzipped another pocket, pulled out a shaker of martinis, a couple of glasses and poured them both a drink.

She watched him as he sipped his drink and, with a breathtakinly beautiful smile, whispered into his ear, "Would you like to play around?"

Amazed at his good fortune, he said "You've got to be kidding! You've got golf clubs in there, too?"