How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

[layback40]

NEW DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED.....:Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.Rum and ice will ruin your liver.Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.Gin and ice will ruin your brain.Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth...There you have it! ICE is ********in lethal.Warn all your friends:Lay off the ice,just drink it straight!!..Forward this immediately...You could save a life!!!..And don't forget what it did to the Titanic!!!...

[layback40]

ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION....
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT....
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUT
CHILLI OIL OR VICKS (YEAH THE SMELLY
STUFF) ANYWHERE I REPEAT ANYWHERE
NEAR YOUR VAGINA!
THIS COMES TO YOU VIA ME THE POOR
SUCKER.... SITTING IN THE MATERNITY
UNIT WITH MY A$$ AND SAID VAGINA
BOILING THE ICE BUCKET IM SITTING IN...
I WANT TO GO BACK TO PEELING MY RAW
EGGS (THAT WAS YESTERDAYS BABY
BRAIN) NOW....
Im actually laughing.... could be the pain....
could be the stupidity.... could even be the
pain relief.... but anyways... just DONT DO
IT....
34 weeks pregnant...
DAY ONE OF THE GREAT BURNT BADGER...
Ok soooooooooo i hate chilli HATE IT.... but
we have a chilli plant (HAD A PLANT.... I AM
BURNING THAT EVIL DEMONIC BASTARD
THING IF IF I EVER RECOVER) Im picking the
poxy little things for the MR to pickle (he just
looooooooooves the asshole to burn
APPARENTLY well thats what i think) i
picked these tiny pathetic little lava
suckers.... get in the house and sneeze....
shit shit shit waddle waddle waddle i need to
peeeeeeeee waddle waddle DONT LEAK
DONT LEAK.... yes made it... omg
soooooooooo good..... and wipe.... holy
freaking shit balls mother fooker god damn
im seeing stars the pains intense.... i
scream.... hubby comes and gets me and
puts me onto the bed.... im screaming and
frashing about begging for something
anything to stop the burn..... he gets a cold
flannel.... it helps.... then Mr says ill put
some vaseline on it.... in his rush he grabbed
vicks.... he smoothers it on.... the shit just
slides off as its too hot down stairs to stick
BUT it does mat into my nice little mound of
lady flufff the stuffs like superglue in cotton
wool.....
I am now laying/tossing/thrashing about in
bed and have a ******** that is burned to the
buggery, matted lady fluff thats like a little
bush on fire (wish chilli bush was on fire)
and i am too scared to pee.... mind due it
would probably be cooler than i think.... my
bumhole is just as hot.... Ever tried walking
to a car with the demonic hell fire pits raging
through your groin????!!!!! My legs were
spread that damn wide trying to get a cool
breeze the neighbours and all saw me
wheeled out via the ambulance men again
suprised they fitted me through the door as
my legs still spread.... mind due the
neighbours know my vag was on fire... i was
quite vocal about it.... im going to have to
move i think.....
The rate i am going i could probably write a
book....
Im calling it
Baby brain fook ups and burnt badger
the MR says to me as i am sitting in my god
damn ice bucket "honey arent you afraid the
ice might i dont know slip in your bum or
somewhere........"
No asswipe no fooking way in hell would
they do that as the fooking things fooking
melt before they get anywhere fooking near
it....
The nurses have asked him to go for a
walk....
But yes i must admit hairs not a issue
anymore(was trying to decided waxed
shaved or trimmed for birth).. all smooth....
not sure whether it self combusted and
burnt off... or they shaved me or it melted....
fantastic for hair removal....
Now....
I wonder if it will grow BACK.....
Its ok dinner at maternity has arrived...
Chilli con carne....
Can i possibly scream any louder?
I can hear Frozen's "let it go" from the
nursery....
Well hopefully tomorrow is better....
DAY 2....
Ok so the badger is recovered not as hot as
it was.... farted though and the warm air set
my butthole alight.... to scared to shit....
mind due the frozen condom ice pops are
fantastic but everytime i walk it sounds like
fanny farts.... still havent been game to
look.... from the feel of things my poor flaps
are hanging and feel like bubblewrap.... went
for a checkup today.... they saw me and took
all their strength not to laugh.... mind due im
walking with my legs spread that far the
baby will probably fall out.... one wrong
move and i will do the splits... was laying
down watching a cooking show with the MR
hes still not game to come near me.... they
were cooking clams.... he smiled adoringly
at me.... i threw my coffee cup at his head
asshole....
Day 3....
BURNT BADGER UPDATE....
MUST MOVE TOWNS STATES EVEN....
NEIGHBOURS LAUGH AND WAVE IF THEY
SEE ME....
MATERNITY IS IN HYSTERICS AND BABIES
ARE POPPING OUT FROM MUMS
LAUGHING....
MY BADGER FEELS LIKE DRIED UP OLD
LEATHER....
ALL OF THESE I CAN LIVE WITH....
MY FOOKING CONDOM ICE POLE BADGER
COOLER.... WAIT FOR IT....
FELL OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF WOOLIES
FRUIT AND VEG....
FELL
OUT
IN
FRONT
OF
MASS
AMOUNTS
OF
PEOPLE
A DELIGHTFUL LITTLE SHIT HEAD OF A
TEENAGER SCREAMED HER DILDO FELL
OUT...
YEP
WORSE STILL IM HOLDING A....
CUCUMBER....
MY FACIAL CHEEKS ARE NOW JUST AS RED
AS THE BADGER.....
Now someone asked if i was wearing
knickers.....
Yes i was wearing knickers....
Oh course i was wearing freaking undies did
you miss my post about NASA searching my
back yard for a ufo which turned out to be
my massive ********ing granny knickers
blowing in the wind on the line?
I may be a little out there and all but i do
NOT make a habit of running around knicker
less....
But there again i also dont make a habit of
rubbing chillis on my flange either.....
Nor screaming MY VAG IS ON FIRE....
But this last week i have burnt my badger.... i
walk like i have a pineapple up my ass and
freeze condoms full of slush and wedge it in
my crack.... ******** it might as well go all out
and just go naked....

[layback40]

Speaking of the USSR… When the Apollo missions were starting, the Americans realised that they needed a pen that would write in zero gravity. It even had to write when upside down and under water for the training. They spent six million dollars developing this new type of pen. The Russians, used a pencil…

[layback40]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

[layback40]

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twats like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the
******** out of you if I could swim!'

[layback40]

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"