How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ...... numba 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled one he queries......... "You want... Beef wif Broccori."?

[layback40]

“I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves”

“I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.”

“The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything”.”

“I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.”

“You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”



Groaner warning:

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

[layback40]

As we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns—the ones we don’t know we don’t know.

[layback40]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher smirked at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

[layback40]

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen.

MAN: "Hello!"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turned and asked, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[layback40]

Boy to Dad "Why are wedding dresses always white?" --
-- "Well son, thats cos all domestic appliances come in white''

[layback40]

Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Good on you, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!" To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."