How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of who could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles, which if left untreated, would be fatal. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause.... The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex." "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex." "And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope replied, "Big tits."

[layback40]

Old Is When.....

OLD IS WHEN...Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

OLD IS WHEN...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

OLD IS WHEN...A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

OLD IS WHEN...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

OLD IS WHEN...You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

OLD IS WHEN...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

OLD IS WHEN..."Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

OLD IS WHEN..."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

OLD IS WHEN...An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

[layback40]

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

[layback40]

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber,

Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.

[layback40]

I had a terrible day at work today, I cried uncontrollably as I had four fingers crushed in a freak accident...
Some fat bastard sat on my Kit-Kat!!.

[layback40]

Just got my Christmas lights out, they remind me so much of teenagers.
Hardly any of the buggers work,and the ones that do aren't very bright.

[layback40]

'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'