How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[bruggz351]

Originally Posted by SeaComms

Got me curious so I just google translated that from Persian? makes about as much sense as a typical Centrelink document too...

If you can not find the light went shadow eyes staring at the wall and we can not wait to don the role of light in the shadows if shadows disappeared. There was not the shadow of a wall and staring eyes, we can not wait to don the role of light shade if there was not the shadow of the wall and stared at us

Hmmm. Something a bit shady about that...

[layback40]

See if you can avoid crossing your legs reading this !!

Tom's scrotum


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating
and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor
Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece
together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible
surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors
say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[layback40]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door
then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on
the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume
filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed
the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband
to arrive.


Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.


"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

[layback40]

LITTLE BOY AT THE NUDE BEACH

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's,so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."



The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.



She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.



Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[layback40]

Centrelink

A guy walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up his cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well??..you started it!"

[layback40]

Church Ladies With Typewriters




\They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------




The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------




Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------




Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------




Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------




For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------




Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------




Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------




A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------




At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------




Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------




Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------




Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------




The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------




Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------




The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------




This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------




The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------




Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------




The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------




Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------




The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[layback40]

Tough you say !!
http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0