How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A large, lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.

The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said,

"Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!

[layback40]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words...and the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicaate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Wiilly-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), gross olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

12. Pokémon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

13. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

14. Frisbeetarianism (n.1 (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.



Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 189.

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A little boy walks into a whore house with a $100 bill and a dead frog. He goes to the pimp and asks for the ho with the most venerial diseases. The pimp is surprised but gives the boy his ho.
After the boy does his deed, the pimp asks why he wanted the ho with all the venerial diseases. The boy answers:
When I go home, I will get a babysitter while my parents go out to eat and I'll ******** her.
When my parents get home, my dad will drive the sitter home and screw her in the car.
Tonight, my parents will ********.
Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, my mom will do the mailman,
AND THAT THE SON Of A BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG !!!!!

[layback40]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

[layback40]

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer. )
They were M&M's!!! - (get your mind out of the gutter!! )
Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

[layback40]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Our bartender is blond and the bouncer is blond. I'm a 6' tall, 200-pound black belt veteran of the Special Forces.
The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2", weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5", pushing 300 pounds and he's a wrestler.
Each one of us is blond. Think about it, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy thinks for a moment and replies, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

[layback40]

A doctor in Dublin wanted a day off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant."Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don"t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients"."Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:"So,Murphy, how was your day?"Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.""Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor."The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy."Bravo, bravo! You"re good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor."Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in, so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"""Thunderin Lord Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor."I put eye- drops in her feckin eyes."