How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, wrote the word "PERIOD" on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"D-mned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one.

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and Uncle Bob shit himself.

[layback40]

Divorce Court.

A couple went to a court to settle their differences.

"Mr. John, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

The husband was very pleased to hear this.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.

"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[layback40]

Gambling Problem

Little Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school.

Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win.

The teacher agreed.

When the teacher was passing out the text books

Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you, she replied ok what?

Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on.

She agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess.

While Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse.

When school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they?

He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no you are wrong.

I'm not wearing any.

Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dad’s car and he would get her money.

So as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat.

He said, what do you mean.

She said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on. So I took them off.

The father replied that son of a b*tch.

He bet me a hundred dollars he would see your privates before the end of the day.

[layback40]

Thoughts for the day
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool ,England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mothermust be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well,.... not as great as Guam
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet..
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their ass.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!

[layback40]

Bill runs into his brother at the neighborhood pub looking quite dejected.
Bill asks him what's wrong.
His brother Tim replies that he caught his wife and best friend in bed together.
Bill asks him what did he do?
Tim says I told my wife to pack up and get out.
What did you say to your best friend, Bill asks?
I said bad, bad dog.

[layback40]

Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?”

Wally replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust.

“Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

[layback40]

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"
AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS A POSITIVE Attitude