How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the . . . "

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . . "

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."

He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."

Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?

[layback40]

The Wall Of Life

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

[layback40]

The Racetrack

George loves the race track.

One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this Priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.

George was most interested to see what the Priest did the next race.

Sure enough, he watched the Priest step out onto the track as the 5th racehorses lined up and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though another long shot, the horse the Priest had blessed won the race.

George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

The Priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won!

George was elated.

As the day went on, the Priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.

George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and anointed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

George placed his bet every cent he owned - and watched the horse come in dead last.

George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the Priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"

The Priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants ... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.

[layback40]

My wife got in the shower with me this morning.

She said "Mmmm Baby, I want you to do really bad things to me"

Hmmm, I thought..

So I flicked shampoo in her eyes.

[layback40]

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell." The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job." The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat." He got the job.

[layback40]

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.

"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.

"Oh yes" said the young man "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it".

"Well, help yourself" said the farmer.

He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.

Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek".

The farmer said "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!

[layback40]

Where did Noah keep his bees? In his ark hives.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some really excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so she stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

“Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”



What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending.

A motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs: the bikings.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

What do French people call a bad Thursday? A trajeudi.

Team work is important; it helps you put the blame on someone else.

Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing that it’s Tuesday.

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

I swallowed some food colouring. I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. Now I live in constant fear.

What happened to the wooden car? It wooden go!

What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A fly can fly, but a mosquito cannot mosquito.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Wings.

What kind of pillar can't hold up a building? A caterpillar.

What's a wok? Something you throw at a wabbit.



Paraprosdokians: a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and often humorous.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most blokes are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.