How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or ...I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

[layback40]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

[boxheadmr]

My 1st husband was a gynaecologist..all he ever did was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist... All he ever did was talk to it. My third husband was a stamp collector... I don't half miss him..

Sent from my GT-I9507 using Tapatalk

[layback40]

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French..

[layback40]

TEACH Injury Lawyers a lesson by visiting their office, tripping over a carpet and throwing yourself down the stairs....Just a thought.

[layback40]

I walked into a jewellery store on a Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger woman at my side. I told the jeweler i was looking for a special ring for my girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring.
I said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said. The girlfriend's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Me seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and i stated, "by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned me and said, "There's no money in that account."
"I know," i said , "But let me tell you about my great weekend."

[layback40]

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some scented candle, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen.

She got so mad and called the video store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "It's called, Head Cleaner."