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07-03-2013
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Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,808 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,596
Liked 6,565 Times in 4,348 Posts
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__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
Last edited by layback40; 07-03-2013 at 02:51 PM.
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07-03-2013
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Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,808 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,596
Liked 6,565 Times in 4,348 Posts
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Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death...What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
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07-03-2013
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Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,808 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,596
Liked 6,565 Times in 4,348 Posts
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This morning I went to Centrelink to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Dads are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify. My dogs get their first cheques next Friday.
Damn, this is a great country!.
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
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07-03-2013
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Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,808 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,596
Liked 6,565 Times in 4,348 Posts
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An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had
a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie . BUT this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzies.
"Vell kid," said the genie, "you know how it voiks. You got three vishes."
"I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
"Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a
gonner anyvay!"
The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink."
** * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he
was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.
"Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me !"
** * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * *
He was turned into a tampon.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
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07-03-2013
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Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,808 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,596
Liked 6,565 Times in 4,348 Posts
|
|
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
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07-03-2013
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Grumpy Old XJ Dsl Owner
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Northern Victoria
Posts: 13,808 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 4,596
Liked 6,565 Times in 4,348 Posts
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Dilemma
one friend said to the other, “what is a dilemma, actually?”
he replied, “well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side
and a gay man on the other.
Who are you going to turn your back on?
__________________
98&01XJVMs,06&07KJCRD's,No longer question authority,I annoy it.More effect,less effort.10000Club
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12-03-2013
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MonsterMoose
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Tasmania ATM
Age: 52
Posts: 7,118 What Jeep do I drive?: XJ
Likes: 477
Liked 606 Times in 359 Posts
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OK unsure if this has been told.
After 20 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out a husband has always used a dildo on her!
She says "explain the dildo prick"?
Husbands says" explain the kids, bitch"?
Regards A
__________________
Lay down with dogs and you will wake up with fleas; scratching the surface not treating the disease. Over 5'000 Club
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