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  #7985  
Old 4 Weeks Ago
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Default Beer Study

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down to pee, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.


-------------

My wife treats me as a god.

She ignores me most of the time and only talks to me when she needs something.
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  #7986  
Old 4 Weeks Ago
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Two Italian Men
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. . "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

I'VE GOT $5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN.
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  #7987  
Old 3 Weeks Ago
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Re: time travel and the Avebury rock formations have a look at this video. David https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/new...sh-summer-time

Sayings we'd like to see on those office inspirational posters:

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."

For new fathers, or anyone thinking about becoming a father, you must learn these WORDS OF WISDOM:

Don't ask me, ask your mother.

Close the door. Were you raised in a tent?

You didn't beat me. I let you win.

Who said life was supposed to be fair.

This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

You call that noise "music"?

No, we're not there yet.

When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.

As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules.

Because I said so. That's why.

Do what I say, not what I do.

So, you think you're smart, do you?

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.

You want something to do? I'll give you something to do.

I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!

What do you think I am, a bank?

What part of NO don't you understand?

I don't care what other people are doing! I'm not everybody else's father!

If you're gonna be dumb, you've gotta be tough.

Enough is enough!

Don't make me stop the car!

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

"There are two rules for success in life:

Don't tell people everything you know."
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  #7988  
Old 2 Weeks Ago
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If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably a dog



How would you find Adam and Eve in a crowd?

They're the only ones without belly buttons.



A young Scot went away to University and lived in the University's student quarters. A couple of weeks later his parents rang to see how things were going. He said that things were going well, except he was worried about his neighbours in the living quarters. On one side, the fellow kept bashing his head against the wall. On the other, the chap kept screaming. "How do you cope with that?" his parents asked. "Oh, it's OK, I just stay in my room practicing the bagpipes."



How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals"



Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time. What is 'loft?'"

The pro says, "L-O-F-T: Lack Of Flamin’ Talent."
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  #7989  
Old 1 Week Ago
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A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraq desert During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". He asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent, together with a ladder. When he asks the Sergeant to take the camel back, he comments to him, "I suppose that make me no different to the other men now?".
“No not really, sir... ", the Sergeant replies “the men usually just ride the camel into the village where the girls are." 🤔🤔🤔
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  #7990  
Old 1 Week Ago
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Ferrari F1 Team Hires Local Pit Crew For GP

The Ferrari F1 Team recently fired the whole Pit-Crew to employ some young unemployed youths from the ** Area (Insert your own area of high unemployment here). The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment.

This was thought to be a good move as most races are won & lost in the pits these days & Ferrari would have an advantage. However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem not only were "da boyz" changing the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 60 sec they had resprayed, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team.



A guy walks into an empty bar and says, "Hey, Bartender, give me a drink." So, the guy sits down, sipping his drink, when he hears a small voice, "I like your tie."

The man turns to the bartender and says, "Did you say something?"

"No, I didn't say anything," says the bartender.

The man shrugs it off. And again, he hears the small voice call out, "Your hair looks really nice."

The man turns to the bartender and asks. "There it goes again; didn't you hear that?"

"No, replied the bartender, "I didn't hear anything."

Once again, the man returns to his drink when he hears, "Gee, that suit looks great on you."

"Bartender!" exclaimed the man, "I am absolutely sure I heard something. What's going on here?"

"Oh", said the bartender. "That must be our peanuts. They're complimentary."



BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.



What goes tick-tick-tick-tick-woof? A watchdog.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing.

She was only the whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate. - Phyllis Diller



On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

My husband turned to me and said, "I suppose we could vacuum."



Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage, he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lions' cage.

"Oh, Come On!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"



A guy is driving around the back woods of Idaho and he sees a sign in front of a broken-down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.

I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. '

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'.
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  #7991  
Old 6 Days Ago
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Good Morning. We want to apply for a marriage licence.

"Names?", said the clerk.
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers?? You can't get married."
"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've claim they'd been denied equal protection under law.
If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June,

June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me.

All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples.

The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law.

Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Anderson."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together.
Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

...Don't laugh, it's just a matter of time.
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  #7992  
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It had been snowing all night It had been snowing all night. So:

8:00 am I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous
chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could
have been two snow men instead.

8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one
snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot
nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a
burqa.

8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the
snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with
eviction.

8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the
difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe
sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything, are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today and it is going to get worse
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