How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order
taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds.

[layback40]

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.


February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles don't fit in a printer!!!


March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'


April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!


May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!


June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.


July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!


August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.


September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???


October
Hate M & M's.....They are so hard to peel.


November
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!


December


Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

[layback40]

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

[layback40]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[layback40]

One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the irish priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story." said the irish priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the irish priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
And that my lord is the case for the Defense!!..

[layback40]

A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out.
The billionaire goes.. "Holy shit, I didn’t think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?" and the guy says "no",
So the billionaire says, "oh, you want my house?" and the guys says "no" and so the billionaire says," what, you want my wife, then?"
But the guys says "hell no"
So the billionaire says "well what the ******** do you want?"
The guys still trying to catch his breath says, " I want the mother********er who pushed me in the pool”

[layback40]

The woman at the job centre said, "You're always late, you ignore the queue of people and you are rude to everyone."
I said, "What's your point?"
She said, "Have you ever thought of becoming a bus driver!!..